I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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