I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
