I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
