I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
