I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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