Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
