shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
