oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
