I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
