Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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