I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize