She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
