i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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