sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
