I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
