I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
