Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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