Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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