I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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