Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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