you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
