dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think my moral compass just broke
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
