I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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