That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
