I cannot find my penis.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
