I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
