I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
