I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
MIDGETS
????
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
