Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
