my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
