dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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