Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's the barista slut.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
