His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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