I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
