hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
