the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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