a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
