glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
