Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Girls should come with a carfax report
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
