I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
