so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
