I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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