Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
