oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
zippers are such a cool invention
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
