clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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