why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
