at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
