Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
