Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
