I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
