whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
