This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
