New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it's like heaven, but drunker
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
