Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
