i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
