How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
