i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
